“Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”
Catherine is almost two and people start to ask: when are you going to have the second one? You don’t want to leave her only child right? And the list goes on and on…
I was never one of those women with that innate maternal instinct, in fact, for quite a long time I asked myself the question if I wanted to have kids at all. I was never so sure about it but well, I certainly can say without a shadow of a doubt, that Catherine has made my life a lot better. Yes I’m more busy, yes I’m more tired and yes I have aged (a lot) but I never felt so full of energy as now. Now I hate to be lazy and I feel like I need to do something with my life, something that Catherine will be proud of. At the moment I’m extremely focused and extremely happy. We have found our balance and just the thought of starting again terrifies me. I just can’t stop wondering…will I still have some time for the blog, for shooting my photos, will I still have the energy to do something that has become so important to me?
As I don’t seem to get any answers to those questions and time goes by slowly but surely, I start to put pressure on myself as I realise it’s now or never as it will be pointless for Catherine to have a sibling that is too far away in age (that is my personal opinion anyway).
Putting aside those sleepless nights which are a bound to happen, what scares me the most is:
will I have a natural delivery or will I need another c-section? I hated the recovery and, having tried 39 hours of labor, I can tell you that I much rather have that excruciating pain than the 6 weeks of recovery from the surgery. During that time I felt like a useless mother and it was horrible. And, if I do need a c-section again, how will I handle being alone with two kids during the recovery?
Catherine never latched on and I forced myself to pump pretty much full-time for 6 months, it was a nightmare. My life was dictated by that pumping machine, it was time consuming and it didn’t allow me to bond with my new-born. I was so obsessed with providing this magical mother milk that I forgot to just sit and enjoy those months, instead the time went by and I have very vague memories of that period.
When Catherine was born the anxiety took over the only sane part of my brain that I had left ahah! It was a constant worry: I feared someone would give her some kind of illness, even a common cold was terrifying me. I hated everyone that kissed her as I read a story of a new-born that died contracting herpes from a kiss of his own mother (bloody Daily Mail!). I could have just asked people not to kiss her but I was too shy and, instead, I would lose sleep over it, going through all possible scenarios. Oh and, of course I, was blaming myself for not being able to speak up and for being such a wimp of a mother.
Being with other kids was horrendous: they wanted to hold her and touch her and I was just praying that they wouldn’t drop her and that they had their vaccination shots done.
So those are my biggest worries, will I conquer them? I have no clue. Will I have another child? Probably I will try because when I see Catherine running around the house with her sandals and those cute little toes sticking out then, boom, my heart melts like an ice cream under the sun.
I really would love to hear your thoughts about this topic so don’t be afraid to leave a comment 😉